The staggering inconsistency of public restrooms.  It may not seem like an issue worth of your precious time, but I assure you that the facilities in which you leave behind your body’s waste are of the utmost importance.  The topic I’d like to address specifically regarding the bathroom is the unpredictability of the design, maintenance and overall feeling of sanctuary in public restrooms.

Firstly, defecation and urination were never meant to be held in any sort of public forum.  Sure, the roman’s had their public baths.  Even in some parts of Asia there are bath houses still in regular operation.  This is still no excuse.  Just because the Romans and Chinese bathe together, doesn’t mean that their also pissin’ and shittin’ all over the place while they’re doing it.  Releasing of one’s bowels is a private matter, intended for the privacy of the home (Or an outhouse if you are so inclined).

However, should the mood strike you…  If you’re scarf shopping at the local strip mall or Cruising down town parks in your wood-paneled station wagon and you suddenly feel a stirring in your nether regions that could only be dealt with immediately…  You have no choice.  You have to use the state provided lavatory.

But every one of them is different, aren’t they?  Have you ever noticed that?  Public restrooms (In this country, at least) range in cleanliness and luxury from the lowliest gas stations closet space to the- I can’t think of the nicest restroom I’ve ever been in.  For the sake of argument, let us say the lobby of the Airport Hilton.  Differences include (but are certainly not limited too) faucets (Which can be levers, knobs or the always highly entertaining motion sensor), stalls (The variants in the stalls at the SLCC campus are terribly fascinating, but more so… frustrating.  There are stall doors here that won’t open because the door hits the bar attached to the wall.  There are stalls so short that if you are standing to pee into the bowl you can easily glance over into the next stall and get a fantastic view of the activities of your pee-neighbor) and drying materials (By this I mean what you use to dry your hands after washing.  This can include paper towels (by means of multiple types of dispensers), the ever reliable air-blower (Which take three times as long, but hey…  We saved some trees.  Sidenote:  At SLCC the paper towel dispensers have a sensor that only lets a certain amount of paper out at a time.  An obstacle easily circumvented by the use of both hands on two different dispensers!  Clever, right?  That’s why I’m at a community college!), and my personal favorite… The long loop of towel.  The one that was one continuous circle of material that supposedly ‘cleaned its self’ every time it was pulled).  I don’t even want to go into the frightening state of sanitation in most public restrooms.  Most should have been declared a bio-hazard years ago.

So what does this mean for us as purveyors of these faculties?  Does it mean holding in unwanted surplus until we’re home?  Even if it means poisoning our body’s delicate balance of systems?  I think so…  It’s a small price to release in peace.

Love and Madness,

D. Bradford

p.s. – The writing on the stalls in public restrooms is equally as interesting and worthy of a story in and of its self.  At SLCC I’ve followed the messages of a particular bathroom…  Artist, if you will…  Who calls himself “Fart Eater” and has dubbed this summer the “Summer Of Sex!” and I don’t disagree.