I am an average American asshole.  At least…  For a night I was.  Wait,  let me back up…  I somehow got it in my head a while back that it would be an interesting experiment to go out to the movies on Friday the same way every other American asshole does.  I wanted to experience what the average, everyday consumer experiences when he or she goes to the movies on a Friday night.

If you know me, then you know that I usually pick my movies carefully.  See, I enjoy film as a form of art…  Not entertainment (Yeah, I know the lines can be blurred.  Shut up and listen!)  The point I’m trying to make is I don’t really know what it’s like to just consume the stuff like it was funeral potatoes.  Well, I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment ‘cause that’s exactly what I did.

The idea was to pick a Friday night, (Friday is important…  A “Date” night, as it were.  Well…  more specifically an “Out” date night.  Saturday seems like more of an “In” date night to me.  But hey…  I’ve never been on a real date before, so…  What do I know?) then find out which movie was at the very top of the box office that week and just go!  Roll up my sleeves and reach my hand into that American pie.  Elbow deep in sweet, sweet Americana!  There were other rules too…  I had to buy popcorn, soda and candy with my movie.  I needed to do everything.  I needed to buy my shit, smile like a jackass and sit in my seat like a proper asshole.

Now, I feel that I should be truthful and straight forward about this because, well…  I feel like we’ve developed a nice little rapport.  I feel like I can tell you people anything and you won’t judge me…  Will you?  Anyways, I don’t care.  What I’m trying to say is I didn’t run off and do this right away.  I just couldn’t go through with it.  Everything that people were going to was shit!  Pure shit!  It was National Treasure for a while there, but I'd already been dragged to that Christmas day.  Sure, I could’ve gone to see the movie that was coming in second…  But that just seemed like a betrayal of the goal (Besides, the movie in second was Alvin and the Chipmunks – Shivers up spine)!  I even almost went to see The Bucket List!  I know!  What’s wrong with me, right?  I told my lover Jareth about the experiment and he finally convinced me to go the weekend Cloverfield was number one (And pulling in a hefty 40 million, mind you).

So that’s what we did.  I was fine for a while…  I was just find until I finished paying for my so called food product, placed it all on Larry H. Miller’s clever little feed trays and headed for the ticket taker.  It was then that an enormous weight came down on me.  I suddenly saw myself through the eyes of my ancestors (Much in the same way a Bene Gesserit becomes a Reverend Mother by taking the water of life and in doing so, gains the knowledge and experiences of their fore comers.)  I saw what I was in that terrible moment:  An average American asshole.  There I was…  Shuffling up the theater steps (Which, by the way, I’ve always suspected were specifically designed for huge assholes.  Now I knew for sure.  Who takes those massive two-foot steps?) and squeezing into my seat.  I told Jareth that if he hadn’t have been there I would never have made it this far.  I would have dropped everything I was holding on the ground, yelled:  “What’s wrong with you people!?” and stormed out in a rage.

Anyways… The movie was a pain in the ass, the popcorn was stale, I don’t think I even touched the soda and I got sour patch kids powder all over myself.  All in all…  A delightful evening.  As we were leaving, Jareth asked me:  “So, what does it feel like to be a true American?”  The answer didn’t take much thought:  “Horrible.”

Love and Madness,
D. Bradford

p.s. – Although the movie was awful, I did enjoy those weird little squid creatures that were scurrying around during it.  They reminded me of the Lobstrosities from Stephen King’s The Dark Tower II:  The Drawing Of the Three.  I swear they even made the noise:  “Dod-a-Chock?”