Halloween always brings out the horror movie fans.  They emerge from the shadow and grab at you with their bony, white fingers demanding that you watch their beloved horror flicks.  All my life I’ve had beat them off with a stick or cross.  But every year they keep coming back for more.  “You gotta do it…  It’s Halloween!”, “Are you a sissy boy?” or “Hey, Ugly…  I don’t like your face!” (I don’t know what that guy’s problem was.) It’s like they don’t understand that someone could actually not enjoy watching crap for 90 minutes or so.  And not just crap…  But bloody crap that flings at you from all directions!

I’ve never been a horror movie fan (As I’m sure you’ve gathered.)  I don’t think I ever will be.  I just don’t understand them, I guess.  When I watch a movie I want to sit back, relax and take it all in.  You can’t do that with a horror movie.  With them it’s full-on, non-stop sensory bombardment!  No breaks!  I can’t do that!  It’s like a frickin’ work out (A subject I’m even less enthused about.)  But…  Considering its Halloween…  I figure I’d better speak up on the issue (‘Cause so many people look to me for guidance in all matters.)

One group of horror films that I’ve always found fascinating (Though never watched) is the meeting up of classic monsters.  You know what I’m talking about?  When one monster would “meet” another monster for whatever purpose.  Movies like Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man or Abbott And Costello Meet Frankenstein.  I wonder…  How do they meet exactly?  Do they just bump into each other while shopping at the Thrifty Mart or Shopko?  And if so do they chat each other up about old times or does mayhem ensue?

There are also two films where Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, Dracula and a Mad Scientist just sort of get together and…  Hang out.  First at Frankenstein’s place (Frankenstein the monster…  Not to be confused with that Victor Frankenstein, the scientist who stole his name) in House Of Frankenstein and then Dracula’s in House Of Dracula.  I don’t know why they never went to the Wolf Man’s house.  Although I can assume it has something to do with smell.  And I think that Frankenstein and the Mad Scientist live together (You know how that goes!  Wink, wink!)  It took 17 years for Barry Pickett’s novelty song Monster Mash to come out after that (Sidenote: Apparently there was a movie based on that song called Monster Mash: The Movie produced in 1995 and starring Barry Pickett himself.  He was an aspiring actor. Sad... )

So in the end…  I guess what I’m trying to say is STAY BACK.  Keep your damn horror films to yourselves!  Of course one could argue that every movie I've discussed here are really more campy comedies than true horror.  But if you've thought that or anything close to it you're probably a horror movie asshole.

Love and Madness,

D. Bradford

p.s. - It’s interesting to note that after they made Abbott And Costello Meet Frankenstein they made another one where they didn’t even bother to come up with a monster for Boris Karloff to play called Abbott And Costello Meet The Killer Boris Karloff. Whatever brings the consumers- er, I mean…  People in, right?